In A Gadda Da Vida
by The USS Ficcelsior
Summary: I haven't played Pokemon since like 1998, so this might seem a little dated.


_"This is nuts."_

\- Richard Dreyfuss, _Close Encounters of the Third Kind_

* * *

Being the female trainer from Pokemon X and Y could be a slimy business. Today she was participating in a four-way team battle, backing up the rest of her team members in the blue corner. As she commanded her Charmeleons to blanket the battlefield in fire and told her Magikarps to use Splash Attack, a solitary recon Butterfree from the Yellow corner came floating down behind her. No one on her team noticed it was there until it was Butterfeeling up the round casing of her cranium.

"Uh-oh! Looks like the Yellow Team is going for a risky infection attack on the Blue lass! Remember folks, successfully taking over the brain of a rival trainer with one of your Pokemon counts as a forfeit for that team! But will they get it to work?" the arena announcer said jubilantly over the speakers. The audience cheered in amazement.

The trainer's hat and sunglasses fell to the ground as she tried to swat the bug-type Pokemon out of her hair. Then she made a small, squeak-like grunting sound. The Butterfree had found its mark and punctured the spot where her neck meets the back of her head. The act of siphoning the fluid from a human brainstem pint by pint and refilling it with millions of baby parasites was an aggressive biological process that looked far too cute than it had any right to.

When the Butterfree retracted its stinger and flew away, the trainer simply scratched the back of her head before kneeling down and getting her hat. Then she reached into her travel bag and silently pulled out a large stack of Pokeballs—far more than she was legally allowed to use in an arena match.

Her arms moved in windmills as she released Pokeball after Pokeball on her own teammates. And when her hands were empty, she simply reached back into her bag and tossed dozens more. The Blue corner turned into something resembling a zoo riot.

"Ooh, and it pays off!" the announcer exclaimed. "The Blue Team is eliminated!" The audience clamored with applause.

The trainer brushed off her hands and walked along the edge of the arena, happily leaving the madness of Blue Team behind her. She tilted her head curiously as she watched the other teams battle—a Hitmonlee slapped around a Pikachu. A Nidoran knocked a Meowth out of commission. A Jigglypuff took down a Gyarados.

Then the trainer spotted a Venusaur on the Green Team.

She skipped across the field and stopped just in front of the grass-type Pokemon. It slowly turned its head at her and muttered the word "Venusaur" in the manner one person might say "Sup?" to another person. At the same time, the invisible pheromones wafting from the Venusaur's lily pod triggered a chemical reaction with the bug-type parasites that contaminated the trainer's entire body, kicking off a tiny inaudible signal that could be interpreted as "Wanna party?"

The trainer crossed her hands above her head and playfully spun in a pirouette. The Venusaur stood there and looked bored. The trainer lifted one of her feet and slowly fell back into the Venusaur, landing on its open flower pod as if it were a hammock. The petals folded around her as she fell further and further, until her body was completely upside-down inside the flower and the only thing still on the outside was her feet wiggling in the air. She sank completely into the Venusaur's pod as the flower closed.

"And the excitement continues!" said the announcer. "The Green Team's Venusaur has entered a mysterious evolutionary state with the Blue Team's lass!"

"I bet this is going to be like the ending to Godzilla Resurgence!" exclaimed a meme-dropping co-announcer.

The Venusaur's petals opened. The trainer rose out of her metamorphosing slumber with a loud yawn, revealing she was organically fused to the Pokemon a little above where her knees used to be. Her stockings now made of vines wrapped tightly around her thighs. Her skirt was made of large red rose petals. Her blouse looked about the same as before, only now it had more of an earth tone. Tiny Butterfree wings fluttered on her back while a pair of antenna bobbed around on her forehead. Giant sunflowers sat the brim of her hat along with her sunglasses.

The trainer opened her swirling green eyes and smiled. She looked pretty relaxed for someone who had gone from being a free-willed human girl to a lump of organs in a grass-type Pokemon's circulatory system. The legion of creepy crawlies holding her together under the skin just made her a little extra ticklish.

"Oh boy! Looks like the Green Team's Venusaur has completely destroyed its opponent's sense of individuality and incorporated her as a healthy source of nutrients to become the Legendary Pokemon, Trainersaur! That's gotta be embarrassing for the Blue Team!" said the first announcer.

"I'll bet her lymph nodes are as big as CATS!" said the second announcer.

"That's not how Legendaries work you stupid jackass," muttered a bitter Nintendo nerd in the audience.

The Blue Team was too busy getting mauled by Rattatas to have an opinion on the matter.

The battle continued between the three remaining teams. Every time the Green Team's Venusaur released its sleeping powder, the trainer would flap her tiny wings to expand the attack's range. Yellow was the next team to be defeated, coming up short on both Pokemon and distracted rival lasses. In the closing moments of the battle, it came down to the Green Team's Venusaur(-human-thing) and the Red Team's Dragonite. When the Dragonite fell, it seemed the fight was over and the Green Team celebrated.

At the last moment, one of the members of Red Team tossed a Master Ball out of their pocket. The trainer looked down in surprise as it landed just in front of her Venusaur feet. A second later, she disappeared.

"What an upset!" the first announcer shouted through the megaphone. "The Red Team has caught the Green Team's only remaining Pokemon and restored their own Pokemon count to 1! Red Team wins the match!"

The Green Team fumed. The Yellow Team shrugged. The Blue Team walked away shaking their heads.

"Cheer up, Blue Team!" the second announcer chimed in. "At least all of you are still sentient primates… _until next time_! Hahaha! Mwahahaha!"

When the members of the Red Team were interviewed after the battle, they were in the middle of debating over what to call their newly acquired Pokemon. There was a tie between naming her "Serena" and "Y."

She stood alongside her owners for the interview. Her Venusaur half noisily munched on a patch of grass on the ground as her trainer half offered a flowery grin toward the camera. When the interviewer asked her how she felt about her permanent removal from the human species, the trainer had this to say:

"Uhhh… well it felt a little funky at first, but it's great for the capillaries!"


End file.
